tsunami cries
I sit before flowers hoping they will train me in the art of opening up. I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go. I know nothing but I am here to learn. - Shane Koyczan
And I’m drowning more in my thoughts because you added more water, more reason for me to drown.
I don’t what’s up with people calling me fat always…. Like seriously you don’t have to rub it in my face because the fat life chose me, I didn’t choose this life.
Problems getting worse each day I don’t know why I’m still alive but I like sleeping more than anything in this world.
Because in my dreams, I am happy.
Everyday I drown in my insecurities and I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me that people just have to point all my flaws back at me.
Words. HURT.
Be careful of what you say today and the next day and the next day after the next day.
* Second sunrise of December
The second sunrise of December this year. December, the month of happiness, joy, peace, and love. Ah, so much for saying that. Even though the sun just rose a few minutes ago and the sky’s hue is just about to change, my day is already shitty. I found out today that I’m still the one who has to manage my classmates during break time and lunch time. Remember how I had an erudition before that what I really thought about my classmates are wrong? Well, just as days go by the hate I have for every single one of them is getting bigger that my heart is starting to be filled with nothing but hate. My classmates know nothing but think only for themselves and themselves only. The only thing I want to happen is to just get away from here as soon as possible. Unlucky of me to be a part of a highschool that I hate. And if there’s anything I’m looking forward to, that would be the sunrise that I don’t have to see because of my highschool. I just can’t wait for this year to be over and the other year and the following year after the other year.
And the odds are still not in my favor because half of my true friends are going to graduate and I’m going to be stuck in this school for two more years surrounded by people who I truly hate from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes I’m wondering why can’t I just have a good highschool like those in the movies? Ah, fatuous of me. Notwithstanding the total amount of the movies that actually show good highschool, a bigger amount of reality doesn’t have any good highschool. I hate being stuck with everyone I hate. Oh my god.
And writing this the car passed by an alumnus of my school - a heartthrob. He used to be my crush when I was younger.
Going back to the original topic, today is monday and the blue sky is out along with the beautiful sunrise but I’m not in any mood of being put into shit at the moment which clearly means I hate school, I hate everyone, I hate every single thing about the damn school. Notwithstanding all the things I get because of having good grades, I still wish I’m not in this kind of school because I hate everyone. And if I could’ve gone to somewhere beautiful, somewhere far far far away from this god damn school, maybe I’m happier and more willing to learn.
But the odds are not in my favor.
* Fourth Sunrise of December
The fourth sunrise of December, and I already feel shitty. In fact, there’s no sunshine sun today. Why would I get blamed for something I did not do? Seems like no one believes me anymore. And well, I decided that starting today, I’ll count the times I feel bad about myself because of other people and drop the exact same amount of money in my get away from here fund. As day goes by, I don’t think I can handle it anymore. Everyone’s mad at me for something I have no clue about. I just wish someone can take me away from here. I’m not free, i’m caged in this shitty world and I just want to get away from here. No one will understand how it works because they don’t feel the exact same way. I hope someone undergoes the same pain I am experiencing now, not because I’m that selfish but to have someone who understands me. Even my family, ah my family who once told me to tell them my problems. What am I supposed to tell them when they are the ones who hurt me too? And I just don’t know why but everyone’s turning their backs on me already. Going to school makes me even sadder. I’m going to be with people I hate again, how great. And hell doesn’t end in school but goes through my ‘home’. I can remember that I started this year so right, so happy and just nothing was wrong. But why am I feeling shitty and just want to die the whole year? I guess I’m truly alone in this world. I know everyone’s secretly wishing I would just die and vanish in this world. I always try to tell them that it’s okay to think that way because that’s what I truly want anyway. To be far far far away from here even if it means not living anymore.
The road of recovery is just too long, I don’t think I can run anymore because I’m already running out of oxygen.
* Fifth Sunrise of December
The fifth sunrise of December. The sky is nothing close to its usual blue color. It is filled with nothing but dull clouds. And everyone knows, I hate dull clouds. I’ve always liked puffy and bubbly clouds because I really believe the clouds show us how our days are going to be like. Moving on, I don’t know why I’m seeing things I have love-hate relationship with. Yesterday night, I pleaded to the few stars in the night sky. I begged for God to end it all before I muster up the courage to do so. I don’t really know what to do anymore to be really honest. In school, I’m treated like shit but not like others. In home, I’m hated by my own siblings. I’ve liked going home before because it was an escape to hell. It was once my escape to all the bullshits in the world. But ah, even my once called home is taken away from me. I dread every single morning I open my eyes to. If only I could end it all. Maybe, I can. But i’m too scared of what will happen to everyone. Ah, stupid of me to think - they’ll move on and be perfectly fine.
I can still remember when the sun itself was in my eyes. Now it looks like I’m on the other side of the world. Sun no longer in my eyes. Happiness no longer in my system. If alone is a way of living, it must be my life. I wonder what is it like to live another life - a life far from being broken. Why is it the harder I try to be happy…. the sadder I become?
If my family won’t believe in me, who’s going to believe in me? Me, of course… And sometimes it’s sad to feel I can’t make it, I can’t be a good psychologist.
* Sixth Sunrise of December
Sixth sunrise of December.
I have no family. Only my mom, my dad and my brother.
* Sixth Night Sky of December
Sixth night of December
An ocean of stars plastered across the night sky and I’m still wondering why you decided to keep me alive. God, I don’t know my purpose and I’m shivering right now because it is cold out here. And as I whisper to the stars my greatest desires, slowly the tears are cascading down my face. I notice that there are a lot more stars in this spot than the other spot I’ve stayed before nevertheless, I like stars and well on the other side of this night sky is a beautiful crescent moon. I don’t really know what kind of moon or whatever people call it. I always find the moon beautiful. Perchance just like me, a part of the moon is always hidden and there are times when it is showing what it really is which can be rare but it still does.
Today I’ve confessed my sins to a priest I barely know. Before I could confess, I had been a nervous ball. My palms were sweaty, my eyes were starting to water but I fought it back because I haven’t even confessed yet and my heart raced - a beat faster than the usual ones. Upon receiving my turn, I couldn’t say anything at all - I was more nervous than I was! I did all what I have to do and I finally have to say all my sins. I was fidgeting y hands and the priest told me that it’s alright to speak in my mother tongue and if I had a list I can just read it for him. I fidgeted with my hands the whole time, I couldn’t tell him all the things I’ve been doing and when I was about to already, I broke down. I told him how I’m slowly giving up, with tears flowing furiously. All the attempts and all the thoughts I told him. I was never nervous during confession until this time. Throughout the year, it was really rough for me. I don’t know who is really my ally in this world. And that, I’m still finding out up until now because even my family seems like getting tired of me and no longer believes in me. I know a lot people have it worse, but I just can’t throw this feelings. I choke back all my sobs and told the priest the other ones besides the huge ones. Notwithstanding all my sins, the priest stayed still - listening to me without intimidating me. He was really patient and when he gave me my penance, I knew it when I saw his eyes that truly he is a good person. He had for sure shaved his mustache first thing in the morning. He has kind eyes and his voice is melodic. He told me that God loves me for who I am and what I am. God forgets all the sins I’ve committed when I ask for forgiveness, he says. And sitting outside the house made me feel alright because now I know that it’s okay if my family doesn’t love me - or anyone, because what matters the most is that God loves me. He also told me to hold on To God. I was glad I receive confession today though. I am really glad because just when I really need to be enlightened, God has enlightened me. And I hope that I won’t give up and just stay in God’s embrace forever.
Looking up in the sky, the ocean of stars was quickly covered by the bundle of dull night clouds. Nevertheless, everything is beautiful because it is God who created it. And I just pray to God to make everything fine and to make me stronger. Things might get rough, but as long as He is there, I will be fine.
God, thank you for loving me.
I’ve been sleeping a lot lately by the way, not that it matters.
Even before the sun rose and the different hues of the sky appear, I already feel shitty. Right before waking up the only thought I had in mind is that why do I always get the tomorrows I dread every single night? God is too good for me, He still gives me chances notwithstanding all this thoughts. Nevertheless, I don’t know what to feel - feel happy or angry because he came right behind me this morning and I just hate it because all the moving on hard work is slowly vanishing because of that single movement. And now, I’m receiving so much hate from people I really did nothing. Except tell one person that she’s faking her sadness. Maybe we couldn’t really tell if one’s sad because we don’t clearly know what’s going on in their lives. But looking into someone’s mind, soul and heart is enough for me already. Why do people want the attention they won’t have? If they hate me, they could go on and hate me forever because I couldn’t care less anymore. I’m done with shitty people. I don’t need any shits anymore.
Lesson today for everyone because I had a great day despite having to be with the people I hate: Act like you trust someone, but never do.
On the other side of the day, I read a book which I borrowed from a friend which gave me unicorns, butterflies and thousands of rainbows in my stomach. Thank you for being there for me today, we’ll make it through this recovery. You know who you are.
I’m sending all my wishes to Paul Walker and his driver who died with him. You’ll never be forgotten.
I wonder why people think I’m just faking this sadness although I’m not. Did you ever cry when you’re about to sleep because your head is screaming at you and you just can’t seem to lower down the volume and just hear the real world instead? I did. Did you ever cry on the way home from school because you know you’ll never be good enough and just being with everyone hurts you? I did. Did you ever cry in the morning the first thing you did after waking up because you felt like someone who shares the same room with you wants you to be just gone already? I did. Did you ever cry suddenly because you don’t really know what’s the point of the life you’re living in? I did. Did you ever cry because you know you’re the only reason why you’re sad but you just can’t seem to stop yourself from doing so? I did. Did you ever choke on your cry because you’re trying not to cry but in reality, it really hurts so bad and you just want to die? I did. Do you ever feel like a waste of space? I do, every fucking time. The harder i try to be happy, the sadder I become. And it sucks. It sucks so bad because I’m doing my best and just…. even in recovering, i’m not good enough.
Please make everything stop. Because it really hurts.
Woke up with the sound of violent moving, and finally got what you were trying to tell me. Please don’t think that I don’t want to be gone, because I’ve been dying to.
I didn’t expect to wake up like this and I just don’t want to sleep with the lights on anymore. This is too much.
Have a lovely morning x
It was supposed to be a perfect day. Everything was fine until my mind worked. Drowning in the vast ocean of my insecurities and slowly, I can no longer breathe - I’m running out of oxygen. I had fun with my friends. I should stop thinking. No music can explain my feelings right now. This is sad.
Before I could even get myself together this morning, I suddenly got so happy. Seeing a rainbow first thing in the morning is the most wonderful thing ever. It gives me hope, so much hope that even a storm comes a rainbow will always appear afterwards and that only means a brighter day. I like how I’m slowly turning into that sunflower I always wished to be - only looking where the sun is, the brighter side. Today went well. Really balanced if you’ll ask me. This day gives me so much memories about my old friend. Memories I wish I could erase and keep forever at the same time. Back then, we used to skip clubbing every Friday just to play Hide and Seek. We would laugh at the smallest things inside the classroom. Even though we look insane to everyone and even to our Math teacher, we never got tired laughing together. We used to seat on the grass, talking to each other, sharing funny moments, sharing gossips and even sharing secrets under the sun. We used to play a game - I can’t remember what they call it though, using a pencil and a paper but it was the most entertaining war game I’ve ever played in my whole life. We used to make letters for each other whenever our teachers ask us to do one for our friends. We used to eat lunch at the back of our school’s statue and sneak in our gadgets and take pictures together or even play PSP. Those days were the happiest days of my life. Everything went fine, nothing went wrong. And I should’ve known that it has to end, but I didn’t knew better because it ended so soon, sooner than I thought. Reminiscing of those days just get me all gloomy and sad. And I hate it. Because up until now I wish I could’ve saved that friendship. That friendship that disappeared faster than I imagined. I hate it because even after two years, I still get emotional over this. Fatuous of me to still not let go even though I thought I did already. On the other side, today was fine because I finally got to play my sport after months of not doing so. I still don’t have the confidence to play it, and I hope I can gather as much as confidence I could get. And well, I didn’t get angry today. I had no headache today either. Nonetheless, the day went by fast again. In the afternoon though, the clouds had different sides. Dark and gloomy clouds were on the left side of the sky and white and puffy clouds were on the right side. Pretty much one of the reasons why I said this day was balanced.At the back of my mind, I thought the clouds represented life. There are times when the sun is covered with dark gloomy clouds but time will come those clouds are going to be replaced by whiter, puffier and happier clouds. We should never let sadness eat us, because it will swallow us hard when we do. I may sound too unrealistic but sometimes we have to let go of the real world even just for awhile. I contemplated that this way, we can all be happy. But we should still grasp the reality because being too unrealistic might hurt us. Ah, too much thoughts for a day.
Nevertheless, we have Saturday classes tomorrow and even though I hate it, I have to go. Today’s lesson would be: Let go of what hurts you. We’re never oblige to hold on to the people who make us unhappy. We have the every right to let go. Sometimes, letting go is better than staying. At first, you might feel incomplete but you’ll get used to it. Just like how you did to every pain you felt before.
One more thing, I have stopped interfering others. I have stopped interfering others’ problems because I know in the end, I’ll be one of their problems. I have stopped trying to be there because I know nothing really lasts forever.
Still sending all the typhoon victims prayers. May God continue to be with everyone. And today, I honestly wish someone could see the light, the hope he/she has been searching for so long now.
Sending all the happiest birthday greetings to my old friend. May you have a good one and may you continue to have a happy life.
xoxo, C.B.
No drama today, finally. Except today went by too fast and I didn’t get to do any productive things. Just like yesterday I decided not to do any big movements that might get me sweating like a pig. On second thought, all I did was read a few fan-fiction stories here and there. I did nothing beside that. I find this day a waste of my time. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy this day that much but I didn’t experience anything that interests me. All I felt today was happiness. And it surprises me how incomplete my day is when I don’t feel any sadness in it. Although I felt that way, I hope I can have a happier day tomorrow. There’s nothing really to talk about since I really did nothing productive today. But, today I experienced desolation. Watching someone you like trying to catch glimpse of the girl he likes from the corner of his eyes kind of hurts more than I imagined. But I shouldn’t really put so much thoughts about this right? Because I’m still young to know about love. Maybe just maybe. On the other side, I still can’t come up of any answer for the question I’ve always asked myself - why do we like the ones that don’t like us? But perchance, life, rather love is like that. it’s not always given back. Perhaps that’s the true point of love. Am I talking too deeply for a fourteen year old kid? Maybe. Truly, we’re never sure of the things that might happen to us. So we should always expect the unexpected.
Nevertheless, today went by great. I started to write some words that I don’t truly understand from the stories I read. I thought this could help me broaden my vocabulary set. And well, I hope I can make those dreams come through. Also, I saw the blueprint of my drafting teacher’s dream house. He did it when he was still a college student. I’m happy that he’s trying to help me do those kind of things also because I shared that I’ve always wanted to draw the blueprint of my house. And he was trying to engage me on his forte. But, I’m really not sure about it. Even though architecture interests me, I’m not sure if I’d like to be an architect someday. I’ve always had so many dreams for myself. I’ve got thirsty dreams awaiting to be quenched. And I hope I get to fulfill each one of them in every life God will give me in the future. (Yes, I do believe that there’s an afterlife)
Typing this, I should be in my slumber already. Nevertheless, writing would always be an escape for me. And I hope I can improve more. I'm craving for new writing materials such as new notebooks - oh I have so much love for the smell of new books, notebooks, etc., new pens and new coloring pens - to brighten up the dull pages of my notebook. And well, I’m starting to realize that writing is becoming more essential in my life. I’ll never be complete without it. Nonetheless, I’m gonna catch some sleep because I’ve already spent thirty minutes. As for tonight, I pray to God and all the heavenly bodies that one day I can fulfill all these dreams that I have.
May God continue to guide and be with all the typhoon victims.
Let all things be done all according to His will. To God be all the glory!
xoxo, C.B.
Today went well. Still, a little bit of blues here and there. But then, if there’s anything negative today I tried to stay away as much as possible and just focus on the brighter side. Nevertheless, the morning started with a exhortation from our adviser regarding grades and ranking. I was really happy that someone finally had a lecture about this. Specifically, because ranking is not really that important. Well, the valedictorians and salutatorians might have some credits others won’t have but that doesn’t necessarily mean that ranking is important that you should be depressed when you don’t have the same ranking as the previous quarter or if you failed to maintain it. During the exhortation though, I talked to one of my seatmates. We discussed a lot of things about what we try to do in life. Today, I was able to tell someone that self-love is the solution to most problems that we have in life. We shared that you should never really trust someone because you’re not sure if they’re truly someone you thought they are and that trusting only yourself will not only help you improve in many ways but also it will prevent you from getting hurt. Self-love is not only about loving yourself though, it is when you start to really trust and believe in yourself. So many things have been discussed and I’m happy that I shared it with someone. After that period, our next teacher was absent due to unknown reasons. We decided to watch Titanic. It was, seriously, my most favorite movie ever. Well, aside from all the DiCaprio movies I’ve watched. I will never get tired watching it. I fall in love over and over again whenever I see Leonardo. When I was younger, I used to think that Leonardo and I were meant for each other. And well now, I’m still believing that he is my first love. I swear I was trying to shut my mouth and just eat all the feels that I’m having. Nonetheless, the next subject was boring as usual. During break time, we talked about the religion stuff and I was quite disappointed with some of the beliefs of other people. If we really trust God, we should stop questioning His ways. Instead, believe that we were put on that kind of situation because He knows that we’re strong and that we can overcome it. Nevertheless, I still spent the day trying to kill the sleep vibes I’m having in every subject. Anyway, we watched PMAC - a thai movie. It was the funniest thing ever. Aside from the class video that has been replaying over and over again today. My stomach and jaw hurt real bad because of too much laughing. So much for ranting.
On the other side, I decided to not move any muscle today and just do school works that I need to do and read stories online. One thing that I have come up with today is that you have to say what you have to say. And apart from all these happy vibes I have today, I’m still offering prayers to all the typhoon victims of my country. I hope everything gets better soon. Let things be done all according to His will.
xoxo, C.B.
Today went well. Not quite well though. It was in between sad and happy. This morning someone told me I was fat. Sinking deeper into my insecurities, another anchor has been tied down on my feet, on my soul again. Every night, I pray to God, all the gods, all the stars in the sky, all the heavenly bodies that exist, and to the moon, that soon, I can detach all these insecurities I have out of myself. I don’t want to sink deeper into this lugubrious ocean of mine, all because of me. I also discovered something today, in which I decided will not be written in this post, might be written in the other posts but the possibility is zero-to-three. All of I have to say is you shouldn’t let others destroy you whereas in the end you are the only who’s gonna be there for yourself.
On the other side, today was quite well because we get to know the ranking for this quarter. Despite all the procrastination and all the cramming I did, I was still the first. I thank God because without Him any of this will not be possible. After all this drama that I had for the past few months, I’m glad that my faith has restored me. Even though I’m still in recovery and still haven’t fully recovered, I am learning my way back to the blithe life. And well, I’m slowly having erudition that my batch mates are not that abominable. Everyone has a good side and so a bad side. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, expecting everyone to be perfect just like how I’m treating myself. I should really give it off. Stop the perfectionist life and just, enjoy. Some might have expectations on me to be always perfect and tell me to do this and that, but then I have stopped being a marionette of people. My family never expected anything for me. It was just me and some of the people around me that I’m still contemplating if they’re worth to be around with or not.
Nevertheless, I’m purely blessed to be still alive notwithstanding all the tragic happenings the typhoon has brought in my country. I posit that these things have happened to us because God knows that we’ll overcome it. Furthermore, I’m grateful that one of my teachers’ family has been contacted. This day, truly is a blessing, not only for me, but along with the existent up until to this day.
Just keep the faith, because God will never leave our side.
xoxo, C.B.