tsunami cries
I sit before flowers hoping they will train me in the art of opening up. I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go. I know nothing but I am here to learn. - Shane Koyczan
* Second sunrise of December
The second sunrise of December this year. December, the month of happiness, joy, peace, and love. Ah, so much for saying that. Even though the sun just rose a few minutes ago and the sky’s hue is just about to change, my day is already shitty. I found out today that I’m still the one who has to manage my classmates during break time and lunch time. Remember how I had an erudition before that what I really thought about my classmates are wrong? Well, just as days go by the hate I have for every single one of them is getting bigger that my heart is starting to be filled with nothing but hate. My classmates know nothing but think only for themselves and themselves only. The only thing I want to happen is to just get away from here as soon as possible. Unlucky of me to be a part of a highschool that I hate. And if there’s anything I’m looking forward to, that would be the sunrise that I don’t have to see because of my highschool. I just can’t wait for this year to be over and the other year and the following year after the other year.
And the odds are still not in my favor because half of my true friends are going to graduate and I’m going to be stuck in this school for two more years surrounded by people who I truly hate from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes I’m wondering why can’t I just have a good highschool like those in the movies? Ah, fatuous of me. Notwithstanding the total amount of the movies that actually show good highschool, a bigger amount of reality doesn’t have any good highschool. I hate being stuck with everyone I hate. Oh my god.
And writing this the car passed by an alumnus of my school - a heartthrob. He used to be my crush when I was younger.
Going back to the original topic, today is monday and the blue sky is out along with the beautiful sunrise but I’m not in any mood of being put into shit at the moment which clearly means I hate school, I hate everyone, I hate every single thing about the damn school. Notwithstanding all the things I get because of having good grades, I still wish I’m not in this kind of school because I hate everyone. And if I could’ve gone to somewhere beautiful, somewhere far far far away from this god damn school, maybe I’m happier and more willing to learn.
But the odds are not in my favor.
* Fourth Sunrise of December
The fourth sunrise of December, and I already feel shitty. In fact, there’s no sunshine sun today. Why would I get blamed for something I did not do? Seems like no one believes me anymore. And well, I decided that starting today, I’ll count the times I feel bad about myself because of other people and drop the exact same amount of money in my get away from here fund. As day goes by, I don’t think I can handle it anymore. Everyone’s mad at me for something I have no clue about. I just wish someone can take me away from here. I’m not free, i’m caged in this shitty world and I just want to get away from here. No one will understand how it works because they don’t feel the exact same way. I hope someone undergoes the same pain I am experiencing now, not because I’m that selfish but to have someone who understands me. Even my family, ah my family who once told me to tell them my problems. What am I supposed to tell them when they are the ones who hurt me too? And I just don’t know why but everyone’s turning their backs on me already. Going to school makes me even sadder. I’m going to be with people I hate again, how great. And hell doesn’t end in school but goes through my ‘home’. I can remember that I started this year so right, so happy and just nothing was wrong. But why am I feeling shitty and just want to die the whole year? I guess I’m truly alone in this world. I know everyone’s secretly wishing I would just die and vanish in this world. I always try to tell them that it’s okay to think that way because that’s what I truly want anyway. To be far far far away from here even if it means not living anymore.
The road of recovery is just too long, I don’t think I can run anymore because I’m already running out of oxygen.
* Fifth Sunrise of December
The fifth sunrise of December. The sky is nothing close to its usual blue color. It is filled with nothing but dull clouds. And everyone knows, I hate dull clouds. I’ve always liked puffy and bubbly clouds because I really believe the clouds show us how our days are going to be like. Moving on, I don’t know why I’m seeing things I have love-hate relationship with. Yesterday night, I pleaded to the few stars in the night sky. I begged for God to end it all before I muster up the courage to do so. I don’t really know what to do anymore to be really honest. In school, I’m treated like shit but not like others. In home, I’m hated by my own siblings. I’ve liked going home before because it was an escape to hell. It was once my escape to all the bullshits in the world. But ah, even my once called home is taken away from me. I dread every single morning I open my eyes to. If only I could end it all. Maybe, I can. But i’m too scared of what will happen to everyone. Ah, stupid of me to think - they’ll move on and be perfectly fine.
I can still remember when the sun itself was in my eyes. Now it looks like I’m on the other side of the world. Sun no longer in my eyes. Happiness no longer in my system. If alone is a way of living, it must be my life. I wonder what is it like to live another life - a life far from being broken. Why is it the harder I try to be happy…. the sadder I become?
If my family won’t believe in me, who’s going to believe in me? Me, of course… And sometimes it’s sad to feel I can’t make it, I can’t be a good psychologist.
* Sixth Sunrise of December
Sixth sunrise of December.
I have no family. Only my mom, my dad and my brother.
* Sixth Night Sky of December
Sixth night of December
An ocean of stars plastered across the night sky and I’m still wondering why you decided to keep me alive. God, I don’t know my purpose and I’m shivering right now because it is cold out here. And as I whisper to the stars my greatest desires, slowly the tears are cascading down my face. I notice that there are a lot more stars in this spot than the other spot I’ve stayed before nevertheless, I like stars and well on the other side of this night sky is a beautiful crescent moon. I don’t really know what kind of moon or whatever people call it. I always find the moon beautiful. Perchance just like me, a part of the moon is always hidden and there are times when it is showing what it really is which can be rare but it still does.
Today I’ve confessed my sins to a priest I barely know. Before I could confess, I had been a nervous ball. My palms were sweaty, my eyes were starting to water but I fought it back because I haven’t even confessed yet and my heart raced - a beat faster than the usual ones. Upon receiving my turn, I couldn’t say anything at all - I was more nervous than I was! I did all what I have to do and I finally have to say all my sins. I was fidgeting y hands and the priest told me that it’s alright to speak in my mother tongue and if I had a list I can just read it for him. I fidgeted with my hands the whole time, I couldn’t tell him all the things I’ve been doing and when I was about to already, I broke down. I told him how I’m slowly giving up, with tears flowing furiously. All the attempts and all the thoughts I told him. I was never nervous during confession until this time. Throughout the year, it was really rough for me. I don’t know who is really my ally in this world. And that, I’m still finding out up until now because even my family seems like getting tired of me and no longer believes in me. I know a lot people have it worse, but I just can’t throw this feelings. I choke back all my sobs and told the priest the other ones besides the huge ones. Notwithstanding all my sins, the priest stayed still - listening to me without intimidating me. He was really patient and when he gave me my penance, I knew it when I saw his eyes that truly he is a good person. He had for sure shaved his mustache first thing in the morning. He has kind eyes and his voice is melodic. He told me that God loves me for who I am and what I am. God forgets all the sins I’ve committed when I ask for forgiveness, he says. And sitting outside the house made me feel alright because now I know that it’s okay if my family doesn’t love me - or anyone, because what matters the most is that God loves me. He also told me to hold on To God. I was glad I receive confession today though. I am really glad because just when I really need to be enlightened, God has enlightened me. And I hope that I won’t give up and just stay in God’s embrace forever.
Looking up in the sky, the ocean of stars was quickly covered by the bundle of dull night clouds. Nevertheless, everything is beautiful because it is God who created it. And I just pray to God to make everything fine and to make me stronger. Things might get rough, but as long as He is there, I will be fine.
God, thank you for loving me.
I’ve been sleeping a lot lately by the way, not that it matters.